Dear Smirnoff...

Dear Smirnoff

I’m afraid I have a complaint.  Last night I experienced some concerning side effects after drinking your product.  To begin with I enjoyed the drink and having never tried it before I thought it was lovely!  However, I had three and then seemed to lose all my inhibitions?!  I told this girl Trisha, who I don't even like that much, that I LOVED her!  I then spent a great deal of the night kissing her even though she has a face like my Uncle Martin.  My mate Spack-eye (his real name is john but we call him spack-eye because he has a spack-eye) later asked me what I was doing kissing Trisha and I responded by saying 'You don't know me'.  This just isn't true, Spack-eye knows me better than anyone - we have been friends since school.  Then I punched him on his ear!  I am ashamed because I wanted to hit Spack-eye, MY BEST FRIEND, in the face. I am just grateful I only clipped the ear.

This morning I woke up with 7 missed calls from Trisha and a text saying she is looking forward to meeting me later.  I don’t know where I'm supposed to be meeting her.  Do you?  I didn’t think so.

 
And as if that wasn't enough, I am meant to be at work but I'm not there.

I believe that all of this is due to your product, were you aware of these side affects?  And if so why are they not written on the side of the bottle?

I look forward to your response!

Yours

Tim Ewins