Frick.

Frick the postman who whistles a tune
Frick the sun, I miss the moon
Frick the clock and frick its beep
Frick the morning, I want more sleep
Frick the toast and frick the jam
Frick J-Lo, frick Will-I-Am
Frick radio one for just being on
Frick every mother fricking one
Frick the bus and frick the tube
Frick the people who say I'm rude
Frick my boss, he says I'm late
He's fricking right but I'm fricking great
Everyday man, frick this shit
Frick this job, I fricking quit!

Dear Smirnoff...

Dear Smirnoff

I’m afraid I have a complaint.  Last night I experienced some concerning side effects after drinking your product.  To begin with I enjoyed the drink and having never tried it before I thought it was lovely!  However, I had three and then seemed to lose all my inhibitions?!  I told this girl Trisha, who I don't even like that much, that I LOVED her!  I then spent a great deal of the night kissing her even though she has a face like my Uncle Martin.  My mate Spack-eye (his real name is john but we call him spack-eye because he has a spack-eye) later asked me what I was doing kissing Trisha and I responded by saying 'You don't know me'.  This just isn't true, Spack-eye knows me better than anyone - we have been friends since school.  Then I punched him on his ear!  I am ashamed because I wanted to hit Spack-eye, MY BEST FRIEND, in the face. I am just grateful I only clipped the ear.

This morning I woke up with 7 missed calls from Trisha and a text saying she is looking forward to meeting me later.  I don’t know where I'm supposed to be meeting her.  Do you?  I didn’t think so.

 
And as if that wasn't enough, I am meant to be at work but I'm not there.

I believe that all of this is due to your product, were you aware of these side affects?  And if so why are they not written on the side of the bottle?

I look forward to your response!

Yours

Tim Ewins

The funniest place to see a penguin

We all like seeing penguins, that goes without saying.  They have friendly faces, are attractive colours and waddle, which is quite frankly hilarious.

Often penguins are seen in zoos and in their natural environment (whether it be the North Pole or New Zealand, they are great in most places) but can you imagine how happy you’d be if you saw a penguin on a bus?  Or in the bath?

I know what you’re thinking – I have found a whole new world of hilarity and fuzzy penguin happiness.  Here are my favourite places in which I would most like to see penguins:

1.                  At a wedding (preferably a penguin wedding, where all the guests are penguins)

2.                  In the river – just having a swim.

3.                  In my VERY OWN HOUSE!  Just watching telly with me, can you even imagine how cool that would be?

4.                  On the London Tube.  At first I thought maybe the penguin could be getting annoyed at how congested the tube is and then realised that penguins never get annoyed, because they are just too cute!  Also a penguin on the tube would make the other passengers happier.

5.                  On the roof – Hahaha!

Imagine how good life would be if penguins were where you don’t expect them to be. 

Sadly I’m a copywriter, not a penguin mover, otherwise I promise I would make it happen.